Tuesday, November 25, 2008

A day late and a dollar short.

Weekend flew by. As usual, was half good, and half crap. Friday was mostly good, actually. Except that I didn’t finish (actually, didn’t even start) my reports. Didn’t even call Liz to let her know I wasn’t coming in. Really, Dr. P should just fire me. Not sure why he hasn’t, actually.

Went for sbux with the boy. Spent money I shouldn’t have on overpriced beverages. Dropped the boy off at school which was mostly painless. Visited my mum, which was also mostly painless. Went home with every intention of working - but ended up watching random crap on You-Tube for several hours instead. Went to StupidStore, which was INSANE. (did manage to get a case of diet lychee pop though, so YAY!). then met up with husband for a late lunch at Montana’s. That was kinda crappy actually. The food was pretty good, but the service totally sucked. Waited about 15 or 20 minutes for a beer and a glass of water. Ended up waiting over an hour for 2 appies and a bowl of pasta. If it had been the lunch rush, or suppertime, I might have understood…but it wasn’t. There was hardly anyone in the place. So I wrote my displeasure in large angry letters on the brown paper “tablecloth” with the supplied crayons.

I’ve been doing a lot of that lately. Voicing my displeasure, that is. I made up some parking ticket looking notices to put on people’s windshields when they park illegally in front of my house. If it were only 1 or 2, I would let it slide. But the entire block is filled with cars from people walking over to the train station. Which is all well and good, but then the people who actually LIVE here, have no where to park. It’s finally been made permit parking only, but still they come and park. So I had enough, and I have “ticketed” them all (and taken down license plates, in case there are repeat offenders). I know, I know, I sound really bitchy and cranky. But just lately, I’ve sort of stopped putting up with bullshit. Normally, I’m very good at smiling and saying “whatever”, and just letting things go. Not so much lately. Not sure how far I’ll end up taking this new attitude, and I’m not really sure if it’ll prove to be positive or negative yet. But for now, I’m going with it. It feels rather liberating, actually.

Yesterday, slept in, which was nice (totally ignored all my reports still sitting there NOT done). Went out for a Family Movie Day with husband and the boy. Went to see Bolt. Seriously, there is something wrong with me though. The opening credits hadn’t even finished and I was already trying not to cry! I think I should stay away from anything Disney until my mood settles. Either that, or just walk around with handfuls of Kleenex for the next while. After the movie, took the boy to a birthday party (which again, thrills me like you wouldn’t believe. I can’t express how happy I am that the boy actually has FRIENDS now!!) Then I went to Jimmy’s place to do his hair. So far the braids are working for him…every time I’ve done his hair, our football team has won. Today is the Grey Cup…so of course I had to do his hair last night. It’d just be bad juju not to! I ended up staying way longer than I wanted to. It’s just….he is so LONELY! Sitting alone in his cold, dark little house, getting drunk by himself in his snowpants and cornrows. So sad. So I stayed till after 8:00 pm. Went home stinking like an ashtray. Spent hardly any time at all with husband (we had originally planned to spend a nice evening at home watching movies). Then went back out at 10 pm to go pick up the boy, only to find out that he had crashed halfway through the party, and spent most of it in another room by himself trying not to cry. Well SHIT! It’s not like I didn’t call or text him about 5 times during the course of the evening, to find out when to come pick him up. I gave him numerous excuses to come home early, but he didn’t. Just sat there being all miserable and shit. Fine.

So. Back at work today. Which sucks on a number of levels. First, it’s husband’s birthday, so I’m here at work, instead of spending time with him. Second, I still have ALL my reports waiting for me at home that I HAVE to have done for first thing tomorrow. Third, the boy is still horrifically pissy today. I do NOT want to deal with him when I get home. Fourth, I just really hate my job these days.

Today, I’m pretty sure, is not going to end well. I have pretty much no money to buy husband a bday present. And, even if I had more than $10 to spend, I have no idea what to buy him, and to be honest, I really don’t care lately. I have no interest whatsoever in bdays or xmas. Screw it. I really just want to spend it by myself, alone, not spending money or worrying about family politics.

Also, checked my email this morning. Apparently the boy didn’t hand in an assignment last week at school, and has 2 more major assignments due this week. What’s the problem? It’s certainly not that he’s stupid. No, according to him, the CLASSES are stupid. The TEACHERS are stupid. So, they are somehow not worth his time? Or something? I don’t know. But I get made out to be the Bad Guy, because I’m the one that gets to tell him he hasn’t done the assignment. I’m the one who has to ask him to actually DO the work. Obviously, I’m evil incarnate. So I get the brunt of his attitude. I’m pretty fed up, actually.

Oh, I also yelled at the boy, LOUDLY, in the parking lot the other day. He had a hissy fit (and was so much like his father I wanted to scream and tear my hair out), and made me miss my bus, making me almost an hour late for work. I literally screamed at him. I threw his lunch bag at him. I actually swore in front of him. These are all things I pretty much never do. I HATE losing my temper. I HATE yelling. I don’t want to be one of “those” moms. But I am so unimaginably TIRED of people not listening to me. They all say, “I know, I know”, but they DON’T. They have no idea how close I am some days to saying “fuck it”, hopping in my car, and leaving the whole sorry lot of them to do for themselves. Seriously.

I had a whole week off work…sort of a ‘stress leave’. Not sure what good that did, really. It didn’t solve anything. All my work/family/emotional issues are still here. A week off is not going to miraculously FIX everything that is wrong in my life. Seemed sort of pointless. The only thing that I did find out though, was that all my chest pains and shortness of breath were NOTHING. They say it was stress-induced. So really, I’m just a big BABY who cant’ deal with my own life. Yippee. I feel soooo much better now. Actually, I sorta do feel better in that once I knew I wasn’t actually having a heart attack, the pains went away. But now it seems like every Saturday night/Sunday morning, when I realize that I have to go back to work I get a fluttery, nauseated, slightly panicked feeling in my chest and belly. This is obviously a sign that I need to change something in my life, but honestly? I don’t know what to change, or how to change it, and really, change scares the shit out of me…even if it might be better in the long run.